The more things change . . .

I realize it has been months since my last post.

I realize it is one o'clock in the morning.

I realize I should be exhausted from work.

I realize I should be asleep right now instead of watching Felicity on Netflix.

I realize I should be trying to block out the noise of my nocturnal friends in the cage next to my bed.

But instead?  I'm thinking. Always thinking. Reminiscing. Remembering. Realizing.

But instead? I'm writing. And worrying. And hoping. And worrying. And hushing the chins. And worrying.

Worrying about what, Keslie?

You're moving into a new big girl apartment in a day.

You have surrounded yourself with an amazing group of people.

You have a job.

You are young.

You are intelligent.

It's summer for God's sake!

What could you possibly be worrying about?

. . . repetition. 

That life will repeat itself.

I have been here before.

This exact spot.

What guarantee is there that this time things will turn out differently?  That the next few days . . . weeks . . . months . . . years will just be a never-ending cycle of what has already come to pass.

You know the saying "the more things change the more the stay the same?" What if this nonsensical quote is actually telling us something.  Telling us that no matter how hard we try - no matter how much we grow and change - this cycle cannot be broken.

The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Am I insane? To be in this spot again and to expect a different result?

Probably.

And if it does . . . can I take it?