But not him specifically.

So my boyfriend and I broke up a little over 5 weeks ago and I've been doing surprisingly well. The breakup ended amiably and adult with us just coming to the realization that we wouldn't be together after graduation and not seeing the point in dragging on the inevitable.

I still miss some parts of the relationship, but lately I've been thinking . . . a lot of the parts I don't really miss.

The overwhelming feeling that I can't fully trust him.

Not being able to depend on him without a doubt.

Him only wanting to talk once a day and see me once or twice a week. Being ok with going a week without seeing me.

Him not even wanting to so much as hold my hand in public most of the time.

Being afraid to even ask him to hang out in fear that he would say no or bail last minute.

Him admitting that I don't fit in with his friends.

There were a lot of things wrong in my relationship, but I ignored all of it because on the rare occasion we were together . . . it was nearly perfect.

I feel myself missing him.

But I don't think I am actually missing HIM. I'm missing the security being in a relationship offers. The feeling you get when he looks at you or touches you. But not him specifically.

What I am absolutely certain of though is that I'm ready to graduate and move to Raleigh where I can start over again. And forget these past four years.

How Hard Am I Willing to Fight?

So, I'm sitting here at my dining room table, watching Friends, listening to my roommate talk to her boyyyyyyfriend on the phone (blah), and watching the cats gallop back and forth from one end of the apartment to the other chasing each other and what I really need to be doing is packing up myself and my zoo to get ready to go to my parents' house for the week.

It is my spring break from New Hanover County schools (because I'm basically a full-time teacher now) and I have been looking forward to this for weeks.  It is getting to the point where it isn't that I don't like Wilmington . . . I'm just kinda ready to not live here anymore.  The principal at the school I'm doing my student teaching at seems to really want me to stay and work there next year, but she knows I have my mind set on the Research Triangle area.  I realized yesterday that if I stayed here in Wilmington after graduation I will still feel like I'm in college and I am really ready to just move on to something new . . . something different.

Different places.

Different people.

Different experiences.

I know I will be scared out of my mind to move to a whole new place where I know absolutely no one, but it is kind of exciting at the same time.  And this time it won't be like coming to college because instead of moving out of my parents' house and into a dorm full of people in the exact same situation as me . . . I'll be moving out of my apartment with my one roommate to my own apartment where it is just me and my zoo.  This means I will have to make more of an effort to build a whole new group of friends.  My mom is worried about me having to do this . . . and to be honest, so am I.  I am a nice person, but I've never been the best at making friends.  It's really hard to do when you have debilitating social anxieties you are constantly fighting.  

I guess the question that remains is . . . how hard am I willing to fight?

I guess we will find out.

I have a secret superpower

I'm sure there are a lot of things I could potentially be complaining about right now . . . 

my room is dirty

my pasta is cold

my nose is stuffy

all I want is a soda

I'm stressed about my impending big girl job search 

. . . and then my brother calls me.

This may not seem like a big deal, but I don't remember the last time my brother and I talked on the phone for no reason at all.  In fact, I don't think we EVER have.  He is ten years older than me so it has taken us a lot of years, a lot of fights, and a lot of cursing to get to where we are now.  I definitely think we have gotten closer in the past year for some reason that only God knows . . . which I'm sure our mom NEVER thought would happen based on how things were when we were growing up.

We ended up talking on the phone for 1 hour and 13 minutes.  It's really amazing how alike we are in so many ways . . . probably more ways than either of us would like to admit.  When I was younger we were never close and I never thought he even liked me that much, but I have learned that he loves and cares about me more than I could ever have imagined.  He sees me as this amazing person doing these amazing things instead of as the ordinary person I see myself as.

He told me tonight that I have a superpower, but that I still need to learn how to use and control it.  He always has had a unique way of putting things.

I don't think he realizes how much I needed his phone call tonight.  After everything that has happened lately, I really did need my big brother to call, tell me like it is, and give me the kick in the butt that I needed to stop doubting what I can do and to go out and do what I want to do.

In conclusion, I think my brother would agree with this:

Just Go Take A Shower

So once again a few changes have happened in the past couple weeks. And even more are coming with  graduation quickly approaching.

A few weeks ago I started a brand, shiny new internship at an amazing elementary school.  I am in a resource room teaching 7 different groups consisting of 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade reading, 3rd grade math, and 1st grade math.  I like love it.  I start full-time teaching this coming week and I couldn't be happier.  I'm already in love with all my kids and I know we aren't supposed to have favorites . . . but I always do look forward to my three little first graders I have for math in the afternoons.

In other news, with the concept of graduation being here soon and having to make those tough decisions, my boyfriend and I broke up.  I am very, very sad about it and it was so hard to do, but we both knew we were not meant to spend the rest of our lives together and that in a couple months when we graduate everything would be over . . . so we just ended it now.  We both still really care about each other and seeing him for that last time was so emotional for both of us.  It almost seemed surreal . . . like something out of a movie.  Him laying his head in my lap crying.  Me stroking that thick, brown hair of his.  And finally, as he leaves he turns to me, backing out of the door, grabs both of my hands in his, and with tears in his eyes simply says "I'll miss you." He will forever hold a special place in my heart, that boy.  He was so frustrating and wonderful all at the same time.

I could not have asked for a better way to spend the past 9 1/2 months and could not have asked for a better way for the relationship to end.  I miss him, of course.  Not being able to talk to him about my day or look forward to seeing him . . . but I do have to say I am handing this whole thing surprisingly well.  I suppose this is one of the skills that comes with age . . . being able to handle a breakup without completely falling to pieces.  What a great skill to have, but man is it a bitch to develop.

My job hunt will begin soon and then once I find a job the stress of finding an affordable, safe place for me and my zoo to live will be upon me.  I will be moving from the city I have become an adult in to a new city where I don't know a soul and am going to start a new phase of my life.  Scary stuff if you ask me. I guess I just have to remember . . .

just go take a shower.