Umm . . . really?

I realize I haven't posted a blog in a very, very long time . . . but I feel like tonight is a good night to start again.

And here's why . . .

It all started with a day alone in my apartment cleaning, doing laundry, doing attempting homework, making my grocery shopping and to do lists.

Little did I know I wasn't alone . . .

My cat was being more annoying that usual and I knew it wasn't because she was in heat because that fiasco ended last week.

As I was sitting at the dining room table working up my menu for the next few weeks all was peaceful. I was watching Desperate Housewives, my cat was laying on the couch, and my chinchillas were fast asleep in their cage.

Then, all of a sudden, my roommate's closed door begins to jiggle violently against the door frame.

My roommates isn't home. The animals are asleep. And I am freaking out.  I run to the other side of the apartment and call my roommate.

Through the process of freaking out uncontrollably and crying to my roommate, my boyfriend, and my mother I finally calm down enough to sit down on the couch and watch a little more television (facing my roommate's door, of course).

About 45 minutes later it happens again . . . I call my mom.

It happens again while I'm on the phone with my mom and I see the door knob jiggling.  My mom tells me to grab the cat and go to a hotel . . . but I don't.  I stay.

It happens again.

Then came some more silence.  Then, my boyfriend called me again and while we were on the phone my roommate called three times.

When I called her back she reminded me that her mom deals with paranormal activity and clearing houses of spirits.  After reminding me of this fact she tells me that her mom says we do have a spirit in our apartment.  Oh yes . . . the real deal.  But, she then went on to say it was just a spirit who had lost their way and didn't mean us any harm.  Nevertheless, Lauren and I like to have our apartment to ourselves.

Lauren's mom offered to remotely contact the spirit in our house and ask it to leave.  So, I went out and sat in my car while she did her thing.

15 minutes later I learn that there was a boy who was around the same age as my roommate and I (21) who was attracted to our energy and was in our apartment.  She said he liked to do little things to make his presence known just so he could get a reaction out of us (like jiggling a door).  WELL LET ME TELL YOU, he got a LIFETIME of reactions out of me tonight! In the end, Lauren's mom helped him find his grandparents and he passed over and our apartment is clear from all spirits and protected from any in the future.

You know, I've never been huge into paranormal stuff like this, but I have always believed in spirits and demons.  I've never had an experience like this before and my boyfriend even thought I was acting at first (needless to say my crying and hyperventilating convinced him otherwise).

Just thought I would share that event in my life today.

And remember . . .

Regrets are stupid.  Don't have them . . . and always eat your pancakes.

Neverland, please

My life has so drastically changed in the past two weeks.

I have an awesome roommate.

I am in a healthy relationship (finally).

I am moved into my new apartment off campus and am paying bills and cooking meals like a grown up.

I got a cat.

And today I found out my cat is having kittens in a few weeks.

I will also be starting my senior year of college in about a month.

I always knew I was going to grow up one day . . . I just didn't know it would all happen within just a few months.

Here I am paying vehicle taxes, rent, water, electricity and internet, working full time, cooking myself actual meals instead of heating up chicken nuggets in the microwave, and taking care of two chinchillas and a pregnant cat while still trying to be young and have fun with my friends and my boy.

We always want to grow up so quickly when we are younger but then when the time actually comes to become a grown up we instantly wish we were in Neverland and could stay kids forever - no worries, just fun, food fights, and late night sneaks into the kitchen for a squirt of whip cream straight from the can.

Don't get me wrong I am so happy and I love my life . . . but who would pass up being carefree again - even if it's just for a day.

I wouldn't.

The more things change . . .

I realize it has been months since my last post.

I realize it is one o'clock in the morning.

I realize I should be exhausted from work.

I realize I should be asleep right now instead of watching Felicity on Netflix.

I realize I should be trying to block out the noise of my nocturnal friends in the cage next to my bed.

But instead?  I'm thinking. Always thinking. Reminiscing. Remembering. Realizing.

But instead? I'm writing. And worrying. And hoping. And worrying. And hushing the chins. And worrying.

Worrying about what, Keslie?

You're moving into a new big girl apartment in a day.

You have surrounded yourself with an amazing group of people.

You have a job.

You are young.

You are intelligent.

It's summer for God's sake!

What could you possibly be worrying about?

. . . repetition. 

That life will repeat itself.

I have been here before.

This exact spot.

What guarantee is there that this time things will turn out differently?  That the next few days . . . weeks . . . months . . . years will just be a never-ending cycle of what has already come to pass.

You know the saying "the more things change the more the stay the same?" What if this nonsensical quote is actually telling us something.  Telling us that no matter how hard we try - no matter how much we grow and change - this cycle cannot be broken.

The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Am I insane? To be in this spot again and to expect a different result?

Probably.

And if it does . . . can I take it?

oh my god

oh. my. god.

no full sentences.

cannot form.

so busy.

so tired.

alkdjlkajeliadz,dmalkjfaekajflajreiad;lkda'lkjeliajerlkjf

<3

Work, Houses, & Lord of the Rings

It's Friday, Friday . . . lots going on on Fridayyyyy!

I am up right now so that I can go to work at Disability Services at 8. Then, I'll work there until 1 (and attempt to get a crap ton of schoolwork done) where then my roommate for next year, Lauren, and I are going to check out a possible house/duplex we might be interested in renting for our senior year of college! So much grown up stuff I can barely contain myself!

THEN, I have to be back at school at 3 because me and one of my group members, Kyle, have a meeting with this campus involvement lady about the child care club we are trying to start (and eventually turn into official child care for campus with a facility and everything).

THEN, I have to leave campus at 4:30 at the latest (because the clock in computer at work is 5 to 10 minutes fast) so that I can get down to Fat Tony's at 5!

And that's just my Friday! Saturday and Sunday be full of the busy as well . . . and don't get me started on next week! But don't worry, you'll hear all about it soon enough, I'm sure.

I think I'm going to make it a regular thing that every Friday I try to post something funny/serious that is Lord of the Rings related.  Today there shall be two.

The first . . . THEY ARE MAKING THE HOBBIT INTO TWO PARTSSSS!!! I was watching one of the production videos they post on Facebook and that is what they said, soooooo needless to say I am QUITE excited.

The second is this picture . . .

Ohhh, Samwise. You so smart! 

Well, I think that's all for now . . . 

But just remember . . . 

Words to live by. :)

Happy Friday, y'all.

Amazing Americans

I should be writing a discussion post for my teaching social studies methods class, or writing a 10-page paper on the IDEA law, or doing write ups on the data recordings I have been taking the past couple weeks, or putting together a content report on a lesson I'm teaching on amazing Americans . . . but instead I'm reading about a group of amazing Americans that go to my church back home.

The event: Ghana Rock. A concert to raise money to rescue 18 child slaves and safely house them.
The girl in charge of it all: Madi Vincent. A senior in high school this year who will be attending Liberty University in the fall.

I met Madi my senior year of high school when she had just begun her freshman year.  We were both helping out with the first graders at a sort of Christian version of the girl scouts at our church, called G.E.M.S. (Girls Everywhere Meeting the Savior). I was in GEMS all the way through elementary school at that church and knew God was calling me to pass my love for him onto these teeny tinys.  I didn't know exactly what it was about her . . . but there was something very special about little Madi Kay Vincent.

Nevertheless, over the course of that year Madi and I developed a friendship and I was sad to leave her behind once I came to college.  We still see each other briefly when I go to church when I visit home, but I mostly keep up on her comings and goings through Facebook and Twitter.

Last year I started seeing her talk about this fundraiser her and a few other students her age were putting on to raise money to rescue children in Ghana from slavery after Madi and a few others had visited there some time before.  Eventually I began to realize this was not some small fundraiser that was being thrown together . . . it was a huge deal.  There was a huge concert, merchandise, and more glory for God than I have ever experienced.  After all was said and done on the day last May, the group of high school students raised more money than they could have ever fathomed to benefit slave children in Ghana to be taken into a safe house.

Now, they are doing it again.

I urge you to visit their website: Ghana Rock

And also read their blog: http://www.ghanarock.blogspot.com/

It is completely and utterly inspiring to see a group of young people with so much ambition . . . but most importantly: love and faith in the Lord. These teenagers are well beyond their years and the world is a better place because of each and every one of them.  So often we see these horrors on commercials on the television and we just turn the channel, thinking to ourselves, "What can one person do? How is me donating 30 cents a day going to change anything?" Those 30 cents a day is changing something for one child . . . and that one child's life is better . . . and that is all that matters to that one child.

I am not posting this so that I can promote them and get them more money . . . I am posting this because I felt the Lord put it on my heart to share this cause with others who might not know about it otherwise.

So what can you do to make a difference for that one child?

I am posting this blog.

You could repost it.

You could write your own.

You could donate to Ghana Rock.

You could start your own fundraiser.

Or . . . You could just say a prayer. A few words is all it takes.  The Lord hears every word and he sees what is on your heart.  Say a prayer for these 9 teenagers not only that the Lord will guide them, but also praise and rejoice in the Lord that they have listened to what He has called them to do.

Goodnight, everyone.

The Biebs Turns Legal

So, today is Justin Bieber's 18th birthday.  I'm sure there are many fangirls that have been waiting anxiously for this day, but me? I scoff at the insanity over this boy.  I mean . . . did we get THIS crazy over the Backstreet Boys and N'sync?

OR THIS?!

It's pure insanity.

Did women tell the world they were carrying OUR teen heart throb's babies? Not that I know of!

NOW, they are trying to break a world record with this website.

AND, Hallmark is going to come out with a series of greeting cards in April just for him! 

I realize it's all about the money . . . just goodness gracious! I miss the good 'ol days where we fought over who was going to marry which Backstreet Boy for five minutes and then started dancing around to their boy band music and that was the end of it!

It's just getting to be too much.  Do what you want, but please, do not do this . . . or I will de-friend you:

Happy Thursday, y'all.

Wednesdays Need Words!

I decided to share with you, today, a few things that gave me a little thrill over this past half of the week.

The first is this song. I heard it in the car today and it is an exquisite representation of how our relationship with God should be seen.

These are the types of things I am looking forward to when I become a teacher.  Of course the kids don't know that they are doing something dirty (well, sometimes they do) and it just brings a chuckle to our day. Kids really say (and do) the darnest things. For example, yesterday, one of my little boys got caught with gum for the second or third day in a row and he always swallows it everyday when the teacher calls him out about it.  Well, yesterday when he swallowed it I said, "You know what happens when you keep swallowing your gum?" He said, "No." And I said, "It gets into a big ball in your stomach and . . . " But before I finished the little boy said, "You blow a bubble with your butt? I've done that before." My partnership teacher and I just lost it. We both began laughing uncontrollably. I just couldn't handle myself.  But that just goes to show how funny our kids can be. 

I NEED TO: 

The amount of work I have to get done before spring break is kind of outrageous. The little boy I'm tutoring saw my to do list today and his face looked sort of like a zombie's. 

Also . . .

You know who you are.

Oh! AND . . . 

22 more days :)

You'll get this if you are cool.

AND REMEMBER . . . 

Cheese always helps.

Happy Wednesday everyone.

Wordless Wednesday (courtesy of lolcats)

Monday Mopeys

Tis' me right now.

This weekend was far from restful, but I learned a lot and am really happy with my new job (so far).  It is challenging at times, but I enjoy a challenge. I do know now though that I better keep taking my vitamins because this was only my first weekend of work and I'm already feeling a little bit run-down.

One thing is for sure though . . . as if this picture below weren't accurate enough before this second job, it is definitely true now . . . because Marines and drunk old men winking and gawking at me at work don't count. 

REGARDLESS, instead of doing homework last night (because my brain was mush and I just wanted to relax) I was on Pinterest. I am just going to share two things.

The first . . . NUTELLA COOOOOKIESSSS!!!

I'm going to the store today (because I blew through a whole bag of coffee in a week and the purchase of more will determine if I survive this week or not) and I plan on getting the ingredients for these babies. It's that time of month and I just want to watch Buffy and eat hazelnutty chocolately cookies . . . OK?!?!

The second . . . more craftyness!

I am moving off campus for next year (you know this) and need to find furniture for my room. At home I have a bunch of white dressers and I was looking for a way to make them not so blahhhh.  WELL! Here it is. This is what I want to do with them.  All it takes is some cute fabric and the all-powerful Mod Podge crafty glue-ish kind of stuff. This is going to be one of my summer projects, I believe.  I ended up not going to the Dollar Tree this weekend, but maybe I'll go today since I have to go return those stupid pants at Target anyways.

NON-PINTEREST RELATED PORTION:

Lately I've been thinking about getting a very small tattoo on my neck directly behind my ear.  Very discrete and something that I know is there, but no one else does.  I'm still pondering it and I have decided if I still want it by the time I turn 21 (in 7 months and 1 week) then I will get it.  Here is the design I came up with:

The letters are my parents' monograms. It would be very sentimental to me.  It is just so permanent and I want to make absolutely sure this is something I want to put on my body.  I want to know if this is what God really wants me to do . . . I mean, why else would he put the thought of this in my head? I guess we shall see in 7 months.

Alrighty, everyone, I hope you have a great Monday and that you are more energized than I am.

AND REMEMBER . . .

It helps, right? Right . . .

No Cause For Alarm

Yes, I changed the name of my blog.

Don't . . . 

Everything will be alright. 

The world is not spiraling into a pit of madness . . . I don't think.

Friday Night Ferblungen

There are a couple things I have found lately while I was putting off doing schoolwork that have really struck my fancy.

The first . . . 

This picture

Not only is this a badger, but he is a studious badger (note the messenger bag and the book).  This photo makes me want to learn how to knit just so that I can make little badgers with different personas.  I mean . . . THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES!

hipster badger

goth badger

greek badger (not the country)

gangsta badger

celebrity badger

international badger

teacher badger

The list really could go on and on.

The second . . . 

This website

It is full of crafts that you can do with materials you find at the dollar store! I plan on going to the Dollar Tree sometime this weekend to pick up some supplies for some of the crafts I found.  Here are a few that I realllly liked: 

Turn a Rubber Door Mat into Wall Art

Pebble Mat

Autumn Gold Thumbtack Wreath

Now, of course I found lots of other things, but I think these will be my first three projects.  I'm still working on collecting toilet paper rolls for this wall art I found, but don't you worry . . . I will post a picture as soon as it is finished.

And finally . . . 

I just think this is adorable and I know my mom will too. It is the old man's house from Up and all the balloons are made out of different colored Peeps. I love Peeps. And I love Up. Perfect combination. :)

Happy Friday everyone! (Yes, this is what I do at 10:00 on a Friday night . . . but, hey, give me some slack, I have to be up at a Teaching Fellows fundraiser at 8:15 tomorrow morning and I start training for my new hostess job tomorrow morning as well!)

OH! And remember 2 things . . . 

1. To have standards . . . 

2. Do you really want to be the blame for the Nazgul finding Frodo? 

I didn't think so. Don't talk to strangers . . . especially if you think they could have possibly been mortal men and then were consumed by the power of one of 9 rings and are now the most powerful servants to Lord Sauron. Just saying.

Update: Here is one of the haikus and photos I always post on Steph's wall. She appreciates them.

Buffy and blogging.

Alllll the fellas want this . . . heh. 

This . . . is my Friday.

A haiku by Keslie Jane Carrigan

Thankful Thursday

I have a lot to be thankful for this week!

1. I spent three hours on Monday driving all around Wilmington filling out applications for hostess jobs.  It just so happens that the first place I went to, Fat Tony's Italian Pub, set up an interview with me on the spot.  The interview was set for last night when I got out of class, like I wrote yesterday.  Well, of course I  felt like I was going throw up a little bit, but when I actually got to the restaurant I felt fine and at ease (probably because of all the pleading I did with God on the way over there). I talked about myself for about five minutes and then the manager simply said, "Honestly, I'm already sold on you and I don't need to go any further into this. Just bring that pretty smile of yours with you and you will be fine." I couldn't stop smiling all night. Of course I waited until I got outside to freak out, but when I got to my car? OH, it was on. People around me probably thought I was having an aneurysm or a seizure or something. This was kind of how I looked:

2. Yesterday as I told you I took my friend Andrew to open up his very first bank account. But, because I brought him I got $25 for referring him! Also, while I was there, I applied for my very first credit card.  I know I need to start building my credit and I am very responsible with my money, so I don't think it will be a problem.  The main reason I wanted this one in particular is because I get cash back when I buy gas and groceries and since I use so much gas driving to and from my internships this is exactly what I need. A job and a credit card? Gee, I'm so grown up now.

3. This past weekend I got to go home for the first time since winter break and not only did I get to see my lovely parents and my bear, but I also got to see some old family friends that we used to know in Florida who live in Georgia now.  We had such a good time and it was so great seeing the three of them.

4. Delicious $1 tacos last night.

5. A picture is all I really need for this one:

6. I have found the perfect combination of hazelnut coffee and cocoa mix. It is truly delicious and the caffeine each morning really jump starts my day!

ALSO, I'm not thankful for this . . . but it will make you think:

Muppet + Muppet = Angry Birds?

Happy Thursday, everyone. AND REMEMBER . . . 

. . . be careful out there.

Update: Soon after this was written I received YET ANOTHER job offer babysitting a 3 month old for $11 an hour.  It's always either all or nothing with jobs . . . and boys.

Wednesday

This is what I just keep having to tell myself.  For me, at least, Wednesday is my last difficult day of the week. Thursday only consists of 4 hours at work and 2 classes and Fridays are only 5 hours at work. In my brain, if I can just get to Wednesday that I can live another week.

Except THIS Wednesday in particular is not like other Wednesdays. For several reasons:

1. No 8 AM class today (although I still woke up at 6 . . . I'm turning in my mother . . . not always a bad thing)

2. I'm taking my automobile - less friend to the bank today for moral support as he opens up his first bank account.  The man is 21 and he is finally becoming a boring adult who keeps all their money in the bank instead of in the box spring of his bed. Adulthood = slowing sucking the life (and the money) out of us one day at a time.

3. I have a job interview tonight! It is to be a hostess at this Italian pub in downtown Wilmington called Fat Tony's. Aaaaand this is how I'm feeling about THAT:

But this is how I wish I were feeling:

HAVE A NICE WEDNESDAY EVERYONE! 

Pyow! Pyow!

First things first: I am wearing sandals right now. I AM WEARING SHOES THAT DO NOT FULLY COVER MY FOOT AND GO HALF WAY UP MY LEG TO PROTECT ME FROM THE COLD! I HAVE A FEW PIECES OF LEATHER WRAPPED AROUND MY FEET AND THEY DON'T FEEL LIKE THEY NEED TO BE AMPUTATED FROM FROST BITE. I am sincerely excited about this if you couldn't tell by all the capitalization.

But, the real reason I feel so compelled to write is that we are watching When Harry Met Sally in my psychology of close relationships class.  This is the last class I have to take before I get my minor in psychology and can I just say that I have no clue if I should take this class seriously or if I should rather spend my time in this class blogging (as I am now.)

BUT ANYWAYS, one of the main issues in this movie is if men and women can ever be just friends or if there will always be some level of attraction between them or from one person. I think about my friendships I have with guys and personally, I can only ever see any of them as just my friends, but Jeren (mentioned in my last post . . . you know, the one declaring my love for him) says that things can always happen when alcohol is involved . . . and I think he was putting it nicely as to not change how I view more than half of the friendships I possess right now. NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK!

I don't know if its the 6 to 7 cups of coffee I've had today talking or if my brain is truly confuddled . . . but I really think there can be a strictly platonic relationship between a two heterosexual people! Of course, I'm a girl and although I have had my fair share of insight into the male psyche I can't possibly know the unedited version . . . and I don't think I want to . . . really.

I don't really know what I'm saying anymore and I honestly can't stop shaking my leg or unwiden my eyes without making some sort of effort. But, as I listen to the girl behind me in class who only talks about her sorority and says "like" every other word (I call her Likedumb girl) text her boyfriend who she is apparently having problems with . . . this is what I'm thinking about:

Ain't it the truth, though.

New New Year's Resolutions

So, my new year's resolution was to read at least one book per month for leisure.  It is now February 21st and I have yet to read even a single page of a book that I WANT to read.  Based on this current baseline data, I am going to predict that this just isn't going to happen.  As much as I would like to read, when I am  relaxing (at least for the few short moments that I am), my brain turns to mush (and then solidifies again when the time comes).  This mush consistency does not allow me to read any sort of writing or use any kind of brain functioning. i love jeren :) <-- As you can see I am writing this in class and my friend, Jeren, decided he wanted to declare my love for him through this medium.

ANYWAYS, because this new year's resolution is obviously not working out very well then I have decided to re-evaluate my goal and change it to this: I, Keslie Jane Carrigan, shall post on this here blog 2 to 3 times a week . . . or else. If I go one week without posting at all then my punishment will be to blog every day for 2 weeks. SO, by implementing these applied behavior analysis procedures I will hopefully develop the habit of blogging more often.

NOW, that being said, these blogs will most often be quite short (unless I have something important to say or deep thoughts to convey).  The past year or so my blogs have become pretty serious, and while that is not a bad thing, I think some of my unique humor needs to be re-introduced back into my blogging experience.  Some days it might just be a meme I like and my thoughts toward it, a picture I found on lolcats, a new craft I found and am dreaming of actually doing, one of the adorable animals I am fawning over on Craigslist, or one of the haikus that I frequently post on my best friend Stephanie's Facebook wall. Other days it maybe just be what's on my mind, or one of those cutesy daily blog topics like Tickle Me Tuesdays, as seen here on a friend from high school, Kara's, blog. Another I know of is Thankful Thursday, like what Stephanie posted about 8 months ago. I suppose it just depends on how I'm feeling that day. I figure, while I'm in class I'm on my computer and not paying attention anyways so I might as well blog! Sounds strange, I know, but if you were an education major you would understand.

And, just to leave you with a giggle, here is this:

I know I am.

Puffy Chest

These are some words I have been using an exorbitant amount lately:

Understand

Audacity

Unbelievable

Immature

But mostly? . . . Flabbergasted

Don't ever let anyone judge you . . . because they don't know you. They can't see inside your mind . . . and you're heart. They don't know what you have experienced.

So the next time someone tells you that you did something wrong or that they are disappointed in you or judge the choices you make . . . think about your decision. Are they right? Or are you happy with your decision?

Don't allow self-righteous people to make you feel badly about yourself. Sometimes you just have to puff that chest up, tell them to shove it, and walk away with your head held high.

Charades

I always seem to put too much trust in people.  Trust in what should be innately good in them.  Having faith that they will do the right thing or make the right decision.  Giving them the benefit of the doubt.

And most of the time? It's thrown back in my face and I am made to look like a fool . . . which I guess I am for believing these things could be true.

The golden rule we are taught when we are young and is drilled into our heads as we mature is: "Treat others the way you would like to be treated." This phrase is starting to not make much sense to me considering I try my hardest to be respectful, accepting, and genuine to everyone I meet . . . and yet I am greeted with disdain, disrespect, and any other word with the prefix dis-.

I'm sure the first thought that comes to mind from those on the outside looking in is, "There has to be something wrong with this girl, but she is just too close-minded to see it." If this many people treat me this badly . . . there has to be something wrong with ME. Let's look at it this way: There are ten people. Nine of those people are friends and all dislike the tenth person. Logically? We think, "What is wrong with the tenth person? What is so bad about them that has ensured an outcast status?"

I have always been different. My entire life I have thought differently. Acted differently. I was just different. But I don't think I embraced my uniqueness until toward the middle of high school . . . but even then I just wanted to be accepted.  Finally, when I came to college I knew what I had to do to become happy with myself.  I had to, for the first time in my life, be myself.  And part of that involved standing up for myself, not letting people walk all over me like I had so many times before, and voicing my opinion even if no one agreed with it.  Essentially . . . I had to stop caring about what others thought of me and be myself.

But what happened? Well, here I am. Almost three years later . . . and I have been abused, ridiculed, bullied, and put down by all the closest people to me. My trust in them and faith in the innate goodness of people caused me to be on the crap end of several one-sided relationships. And I can now count on one hand the number of actual friends I have . . . and that is including my mom.

I know this is all in God's plan for me . . . but it would be nice to catch a break once in a while.

I just don't understand how people can think so highly of themselves when they treat people like they are nothing. Like if you don't dress exactly like they do. Talk exactly like they do. Think exactly the way they do. Or act exactly the way they do . . . you aren't worth their time. They'll be nice to your face if they are forced to be . . . but once you turn your back they will stab you in it with their words.

Well I can tell you one thing, I am genuinely happy with who I am and how I treat people. I have had a lot of time to think about it and I know that I am becoming the person God wants me to be. Some people lie to themselves that they like who they are and who they are becoming . . . but it is all superficial. They are happy with themselves when they have lots of friends or a boyfriend or accomplishments . . . but what happens when all those things are gone? What will they have? Will they like who they have become? Will they think back and smile when remembering how they treated people? Some may never reflect in that way because they are selfish and always will be.  They will stay in a high school state of mind and never leave.

But the day will come when we are all judged by a power much greater than anything on this earth and on that day I will be smiling more than I have in my entire life . . . while they are cowering in fear, afraid of what is to become of them.

I wish they could realize the wrongs they have committed, but it saddens me for their sake that they probably never will.  After all they have said and done to me, I feel bad for them. Their life is a charade . . . but what happens when the game is over? They will be lost.

So, is your life a charade? Or are you done playing games?

The Ones That Matter

I should be working on a project right now . . . but I'm watching the fifth season of One Tree Hill and thinking about my life instead.

There are very few people in your life who will always be there. Very few people in your life who you can be your true self with and they love you because of your idiosyncrasies . . . not in spite of them. Very few people in your life who hurt when you hurt, love when you love, and laugh when you act like a total nerd.

I am lucky enough to have two people in my life who are exactly that. Most people are lucky if they find just one person . . . but I have two . . . and it will be three when I find the one I will spend the rest of my life with (he's gotta be out there somewhere, right?)

But these two people . . . we could not talk for days or even weeks and yet somehow they always know when I need them . . . they somehow always know.

I don't think these two people know how special they are to me . . . and how much they have changed my life . . . and how much I need them (even though I tend to push people away when I need them most).

I got this text tonight:
"Knowing when you're not doing well isn't always a good thing because even though you don't want to talk (which is cool) I can't help but mentally visualize you upset and not happy. And that smile. Gosh I miss that smile! And from the sound of things I don't think you've smiled a whole lot lately. It just sucks knowing I can't actually be there to hold you and tell you everything's going to be alright."

This person has a lot of things to figure out in his own life . . . and yet all that matters to him is my happiness. He is one of the best people I have ever met. Actually . . . that's a lie. He is THE best person I have ever met. He is the most fantastic friend someone could ever ask for. Last year I told him he was my best friend . . . and that is still true. He's my brother. My best friend. My confidant. My comedian. And I just love the kid. I don't know what I would do without him.

Then, this morning I got this posted on my wall on Facebook:
"A sucky haiku:

Jake's nub is on me.
Coffee exams badger yeah!
I see you in weeks."

We've known each other for six and a half years. We haven't been best friends the whole time . . . heck, for about five of those months we weren't friends at all (and those five months were torture without her). She knows me like nobody else and half the time we are probably the same person.  We have conversations in "bear." We run around with towels tied around our necks as capes. We have iCarly marathons. We do spontaneous things that some people only ponder doing . . . and this was all just the summer before our junior year of college. When we were in high school we were the girls people always looked at and thought "Wow, they're strange." Well . . . the only thing that has changed about that is that we are a few years older. She is also an amazing writer. I know she doesn't want to admit it most of the time . . . and I know having people read her novels scares the crap out of her . . . but the day that I can go into Barnes and Noble and buy every copy of her book that is on the shelf will be one of the best days of my life.  She is also one of the strongest people I have ever met . . . and she makes me want to be a stronger person. She has had more happen to her in her almost twenty-one years of life than most people have in a lifetime . . . and I'm jealous of how she handles it with so much grace and a smile on her beautiful face. She has a lot of absolutely wonderful things in her life right now and she deserves all of it. And I am so grateful to still have her in my life after all this time and after everything we have been through.

God sent me these two people for a reason and I thank him everyday for bringing them into my life.

I could go on and on about the effect they have had on my life . . . but I'll leave you with this . . . 

The people you have in your life . . . do they make you want to be a better person? Do you thank God everyday for sending them to you? Can you imagine your life without them? 

Would you be a lesser person without them? 

I know I would be.

Just A Word

When we were in high school we often had a difficult time seeing beyond the reality of those four years. All our problems seemed never-ending and horrid.  Our friends were going to be around for a lifetime. And we couldn't see how much things would change after we left.

Now that we are in college . . . we may be older, but the same song is playing.  At times it is difficult for us to see past these four years. Past this campus. Past the classes and the parties and the relationships. But what happens when we leave? Some of us will continue our educations. Some of us will scatter anywhere we can find a job.

But we will all leave eventually. We will start our adult lives. We will start our careers. Get married. Have kids. And everything that happened in college (and high school) will only be a faint memory. None of it will matter. In the grand scheme of things . . . these four years will be a blip.

When all is said and done . . . these four years will only be a word . . .  in a line . . . of a song. The word still makes the song what it is . . . but there is SO much more to it.

So, the next time you start to stress over you life or worry about your relationships or torture yourself with pettiness . . . think about your song and if you are going to let that word take over the meaning or if you are going to look forward to what's to come.

He has taken me by the hand

It is amazing how the Lord works in our lives sometimes.  He has always been very obvious about what he wants me to do.

Lately, I have had the chance to minister to a friend in need.  I am not the most knowledgable person about the Bible and theology and such . . . but somehow He gave me the wisdom and the right words to say to my friend; put the thoughts in my mind that allowed me to tell her exactly what she needed to hear at exactly the right time.

I've also been praying about the path the Lord wants me to take in my relationships with people.  He has been sending me signs left and right, but I chose to ignore them because I liked the security blanket I possessed.  I ignored the insecurities and anxieties and uncertainites . . . but I could only hide from these for so long.  On Sunday, a friend and I went to church and in Sunday School the teacher prayed that the Lord would guide me.  That night I began to get feelings I couldn't ignore.  Feelings that something wasn't right and that I needed to make a change in my life.  It had become very clear to me what had to be done.

After everything is said and done, I am happy with my life and the people in it.  I am happy with the life decisions I am making and the role the Lord is taking in making those decisions.

I have given my life to him and that includes all my worries and problems, because I know he is there for me.  He has taken me by the hand and is guiding me through life just as a father guides his daughter through a crowd.

I feel safe in his grasp.

He is all the security I need.

He fills me with his love.

He is the only one I need.

How Do You Know?

How do you know if you are making the right decisions in your life?

Sometimes things just don't feel right but that could be for one of two reasons.
1. It really isn't right, or
2. It is right, it's just uncomfortable for you.

But, how can we ever tell the difference between the two?

Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking the second one . . . just so we can hide from the possibility of getting hurt.  We don't want to ask the hard questions because we are afraid of what the answer might be. We just settle because we don't think we can find anything better.  But by doing that we are simply prolonging the inevitable and keeping at the bay the good that is to come.

But what happens if the feelings you are having are truly unwarranted? And yet in order to protect yourself you simply just stop. Stop your relationships. Stop your friendships. Just stop trying. Would that be in vain? Would you later regret the decision only to find out there is nothing you can do to fix it?

What if by confronting the reality . . . the truth . . . it makes things better? If by laying all your cards out on the table all the doubt and the anxiety can be cleared away?

So, with all these possibilities . . . how can you tell if you are making the right decision?

Productivity & Ignorance

I miss being productive.

I miss that feeling of accomplishment when I complete something and am able to cross it off my to-do list for the week in my planner.

Finishing a book is great.  Getting all the prep work and painting done at the job site is fantastic.  But neither of those things quite add up to the feeling I get when my day is chalk full of things to do and one by one I do what I have to do, go where I need to go, and see who I need to see.

To most people, while I am at school, I must seem like one of the busiest people alive. Shooting from place to place, always busy and out of breath, and constantly having something to do.  Many people look forward to summer vacation as a time where they can slow down, not have anything to do, and just relax . . . but me?  I thrive in chaos.  I can't stand to be idle for too long.

This is one of the many reasons I am looking forward to going back to school.  Organizing my apartment.  Getting everything ready to start classes.  Going back to work.  And of course, having my friends just a short walk away from my door.

I'm sure you probably think I'm crazy.  Who is this girl who wants her vacation to end and is looking forward to being thrown into the insanity that is 20 credit hours, approximately 4 field experiences, a part time job, Teaching Fellows obligations, and of course, friend-time?  I can't explain it.  I love to be busy and I do my best work the more busy I am.  The productivity will come again very soon.  And soon enough I will be stressing out, not sleeping, forgetting to eat, and running around like a chicken with its head cut off. And the strange part? I CAN'T WAIT!!

There is one thing, though, that I could never miss.  What is it you ask?

Ignorance.

This past weekend as part of my Teaching Fellows scholarship I was required to attend Junior Conference.  This is a weekend where all the rising junior teaching fellows from across the state get together at a university (this year it was Elon) and attend lectures and workshops aimed at making them better-rounded and more successful teachers.  One of the workshops I signed up for was named "Student Disabilities: Teaching Students to Understand Handicaps."

We had done disability simulations at school where we were able to see how people with different disabilities felt, but I was still interested in seeing what the presenter had to say.  First of all, we spent the first seven minutes of the session watching the video for Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." I love Lady Gaga as much as the next person, but this video did absolutely nothing to supplement what we were supposed to be learning about.  Then, the presenter proceeded to find a video of Weird Al Yankovich parodying "Born This Way" and she seemed more committed to making sure the video was working than actually wanting to give us information that would make us better teachers.

I could have dealt with all that if it hadn't been for the fact that the presenter was patronizing the use of political correctness when it comes to people with disabilities, NEVER used person-first language when referring to people with disabilities, and was completely ignorant when it came to asking a boy in the session about his Tourette's.

Let me explain.

Patronizing the use of political correctness when it comes to people with disabilities is pretty self explanatory. (not using the word "retard" to label someone with an intellectual disability. not using the word handicapped)

Person-first language is best demonstrated by an example.  Instead of saying "a Down's boy" you would say "a boy with Down's."  This phrasing implies that a person with a disability is not defined by the label they possess.   That the label doesn't make them who they are.  That they are simply a person who has to work a bit harder for something than everyone else.

A boy in the session came forward with the fact that he has Tourette's syndrome. Wikipedia tells us that Tourette's syndrome is an inherited neuropsychiatric disorder with onset in childhood, characterized by multiple physical (motor) tics and at least one vocal (phonic) tic.  The first question out of her mouth was asking him if he curses.  How ignorant does someone have to be?  Especially someone who is teaching a seminar on helping our students understand other children with disabilities.  Only 5% of people with Tourette's syndrome actually curse as one of their vocal tics . . . but you wouldn't know that if you only got your information from movies that portray people with Tourette's in a comedic way.  She should have asked him if he would be comfortable sharing with everyone how his Tourette's represents itself instead of being so blunt in her questioning.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but this is my passion.  A fellow special education major and myself exchanged glances throughout the entire session and when it was over, we could not believe what had just happened right before us.  That there was someone so incredibly ignorant teaching others to understand those with disabilities.  Words cannot explain how insulted  I felt by her words . . . and I don't even have a disability.

I can try to articulate how this made me feel the best I can . . . but some things simply can't be put into words.  Just picture someone's face with them slack-jawed in complete and utter shock and you will get only a smidge of how I actually felt during that 75 minute session.

So here you go folks.  Here I am missing productivity and ranting about ignorance.

Such a happy post, huh?

Mensonges

In French, "mensonges" means "lies."

Dictionary.com defines "lie" as:
–noun

1.

a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; anintentional untruth; a falsehood.

2.

something intended or serving to convey a false impression;imposture: His flashy car was a lie that deceived no one.

3.

an inaccurate or false statement.

For some reason I have been thinking about lies and lying lately.  We all do it . . . whether we mean to or not.  A lie could even be withholding a particularly important piece of information.  But most of the time?  It is completely on purpose.  We tell ourselves that we do it just protect the other person from pain or anxiety . . . but really? Our reasons are much more selfish.  We lie because it is the easy thing for us to do.  We lie to protect ourselves.  We lie so that the person we are lying to will still approve of us or not become angry with us.

The most upsetting part about being lied to is most often not the lie itself . . . it is the fact that the person lying to us doesn't think we are worth the truth.  They don't think we are deserving enough in their eyes to be told the truth.

**This is where I would make a joke about the French getting it right when it comes to their word for "lies:" "MENsonges.  But that would be a lie . . . Women lie just as much as men do.  The French could have easily made their word "WOMENsonges." You would think I would be biased and say that all men are liars and cheats . . . but I have seen women do the exact same things men are accused of.**

It becomes scary for us when someone we love and trust lies to us . . . betrays us . . . shows a side of themselves we never thought could exist.

Then what starts happening in our brains (and our hearts)?

Everything is turned upside down and mish-moshed every which way.  If someone we trusted completely could lie to us . . . then anyone can . . . so how can we know who to trust and who to keep at an arm's length?

It reminds me of a lyric in a Vanessa Carlton song called Heroes and Thieves.  It says:

I'm blinded by these

Heroes and thieves at my door

And I can't seem to tell them apart anymore

How do we separate the heroes in our lives from the thieves? How do we tell who is here to help us and who is here to hurt?  

The answer?

We can't. 

But what can we do?

Take comfort in the Lord.

Take comfort in this: